5.12 Release
AUGUST 2022 LETTERS PART 2
August 11, 2022 ~ NYC
Dear Leo,
I have this really amazing ability to romanticize you. Conjure up this story in my mind that you were brought to me from the Universe. You are something significant to me. I think that is the reason I am so persistent with you. I’m not scared to turn you away. There are these whispers, gentle feelings, thoughts telling me I just need to do what I feel like I need to do, when it comes to you. Maybe the distance plays a part in it? I feel the need to take more action because I want you to know. I don’t want you to wonder. I want to share myself, my thoughts with you.
But today, at this moment, I am questioning myself. I fear I need to get back to reality. Because I feel a little crazy. On paper, you have given me zero signal that you’re as into the idea of me as I am you. I am crazy.
xo
lo
August 11, 2022 ~ NYCA ‘Triple header letter day’
Dear Leo,
You are on your own timeline. I see that. I respect the space you seem to need. I don’t know what your life is like. What your days are like. Your nights. These things I do not know. You are a mystery. A mirage? Sometimes I wonder, I did meet you in person, didn’t I?
I respect your space. The space required right now is, I believe, a blessing. It forces me to be patient. It forces me to sit. I want to understand this thing that is keeping us connected in every way, okay maybe just some ways, except physically. This thing between us feels different. Unique.
But who are you? My mind has come up with its own ideas. But I do not know.
Will I ever find out?
xo
lo
August 12, 2022 | Pittsburgh, PA
Leo,
Waking up this morning after the full moon and the first thing I read when I opened insta…
“What happened, happened. Be at peace in your mind and let it go. Choose yourself and the new direction you’re headed. There are greater blessings waiting for you.”
I sit here reading this message and naturally apply it to you but it’s not sticking. Not because I am not being logical. (I understand if that was your first thought.) I’m NOT being “logical” by standard definition. But this thing between us is not standard. It isn’t normal or traditional. It isn’t something that can be defined or described in any rational terms. But it is real, even if we can’t understand it.
I can’t “let you go”. I have tried. You won’t let me put you down. Not “you” specifically. You are just doing you. But something is conspiring to keep you in my mind.
xo
lo
August 12, 2022 | Pittsburgh, PA
Leo, my heart.
I find when I first wake or in the middle of reading a book, working, cooking, cleaning, brushing my teeth, getting dressed (and undressed), while laying on the couch and scrolling, my mind so consistently veers to the thought of you.
It is so beautiful the way my mind works. It is naturally drawn towards what pleases it. It is in the romance of it all that my mind, my heart, all of me, wants to sit.
It can be harmful though. To repeatedly offer myself these grand fantasies. Fantasies that are so big they disorient me. Create illusions. Delusions. Delusions of grandeur. Blurring my lines of reality. But what is it about reality that it can’t be so grand? What is the harm in letting ourselves have these blissful thoughts? Oh how grand life could be. How grand it is, for me.
I love sitting in this space. The space of my grand illusions. It is fun. It makes me feel warm and connected and happy. It’s exciting and stimulating. It is better than sitting in the heavy reality that I am sitting here alone.
xo
lo
August 14, 2022 | Pittsburgh, PA
This time between usThis space The distance
It pains me
But I let go
I trust what is happening
Is something happening?
I hope something is happening
You comfort me with very few words
How do you do that?
How do you see me?
This is where we are suppose to be
I believe
Do you?
August 16, 2022 | Pittsburgh, PA
Leo,
I am crazy. Living in my dream world is becoming torture. I have the voice of reality whispering in my ear. Reminding me of the very plausible outcome where this isn't as magical and beautiful as I long for it to be.
I could never see you again. Very real statement that chokes my heart and steals my breath.
Say we do link up at some point. Maybe we don’t vibe like we did the night we met.
Orrrr, we meet up and it is what I imagine.
It’s that third one that I hold on to.
Ayyyyyye, Leo.
xo
lo
HANDS
The first thing I noticed about you were your hands.
When I think of you now
I imagine what they are capable of
What it would feel like if they touched me
If they chose to reach out and bring me close to you
I can only imagine
🖤
August 17, 2022 | Pittsburgh, PA
Dear Leo,
There is this calm excitement I’m feeling. An anticipation. But without urgency. I don't need anything to happen right now. It’s a feeling of, I know it will happen, a second meeting between you and I, but I do not know when. I’m excited for when it happens. But even more so, I’m excited about what this feels like right now, for me.
I don’t know how but somehow you are like a blanket to me. You comfort me. A security. Weird, because I don’t know you. I don’t know you at all. But, again, I can feel your vibe. Our vibe.
I have imagined the different roads this could possibly take. But before I allow myself to go too far down any of them, I am finding myself stopping and pulling myself back to where I am now. I believe I have written this before so forgive the repeated message, but I find myself happy being in the moment. With each moment. I am growing. I do have an innate need to have revelations. Across all facets of life but specifically in relationships - Does he like me? Where is this going? Traditional relationship roadmap in effect.
However, the presence of you in my life has a calming effect on me. A relaxing of the reins, so to speak. Your presence is bringing me back to who I was before Emilio. Who I am, at my root. Giving me time and space and concepts that open my heart and mind and return me to my true self. The ability to relax and not need to know where we were going. Being able to feel the current moment. Appreciate what is right in front of me. The moment I am standing in.
I don’t know what you are thinking. All I know is what I am sensing, feeling. And, I like it here, at this moment. And again, for a reason I can only point to the stars, you are a vessel of calm. You are someone who is helping to show me how to sit in a moment.
So, I thank you.
xo
lo
August 18, 2022 | Brooklyn, NYCLeon on Leo’s 30th
My Dear Leo,
Happy Birthday!
I arrived in New York this morning, bright and early. I texted you a happy birthday message after I landed.
Thankfully, I was able to check in early to my hotel room so I wasted no time unpacking, settling in and freshening up for the day. I didn’t have an agenda except to go for a walk and feel the NYC concrete below my feet.
With earbuds in place and notebook and pen in tow, I headed out to explore. I got a solid ½ block into my walk before I spotted a Blue Bottle coffee shop. Coffee was a must given my early morning so I popped in and grabbed a latte, with an extra shot.
Coffee in hand, I walk up Boerum Place towards the Brooklyn Bridge and continue meandering through the small parks leading up to my arrival of Walt Whitman Park. I hadn’t set out for this to be my destination, but as I approached the park, it felt like a nice place to sit and write. And, I like Walt Whitman. I’m not familiar with his work, necessarily. I know the name, I know he was a poet but in all honesty, the main reason I know about Walt Whitman isn’t because of anything he wrote but because of the show ‘Breaking Bad’. W.W. Walt Whitman. Walter White.
It wasn’t until years after I watched the show, I was returning from one of my solo trips to Mexico. I googled quotes about traveling by yourself and one of the results was an excerpt from Walt Whitman: “Nor I, nor anyone else, can travel that road for you. You must travel it for yourself.” (I have since purchased a copy of Leaves of Grass. I happened to come across it at an old antique store in Pittsburgh. I was so elated when I spotted it on the bookshelf amongst one hundred other random books. After I got home that day I went straight to the couch with the tattered old book and started to consume Walt’s every word. I put a heart next to the poems that touched me. Two next to the ones that made me cry.)
So, Walt, here I am, traveling this life for myself, by myself. I live according to my heart, which ironically does not want to be by itself. It wants a companion. But, here I am. Sitting alone in a park with your namesake, while traveling. I can’t help but marvel at the parallels of the moment between.
You, Leo, I do not know what you are supposed to be in my life. Something. That I know for certain but, what? That is honestly what I am so eager to figure it out, to have an answer to. To make sense of this energy in my heart for you.
I do want to apologize to you. My intensity is, well, intense. Why else would I have asked you to be my plus one for this concert tonight? Why would I do that to you? The audacity of my actions is a hard pill for me to swallow, especially today, on your birthday and the day of the concert.
I am going to head back to my hotel and get ready for my own celebration. My cousin is my plus one for the night and I am really happy about spending the time with her. It’s been years upon years since we’ve enjoyed a night out. I made dinner reservations at Larina, an Italian restaurant in Brooklyn. It is one she had never been to before and came with high referrals. Drinks, pasta then an outdoor concert? Perfection.
I am loving this day.
I hope you are too and I hope you feel my love, birthday boy.
xo
lo
August 19, 2022 | Brooklyn, NYC
Dear Leo,
The past 24 hours have been intense for me. Let me rewind because I think I need to flush it through one final time.
You know, I always think you are around me. When I’m home in Pittsburgh, I know it’s just your energy (you aren’t actually in Pittsburgh, this I know). When I am in NYC though, it’s different. Possibly just the energy amplified because I am closer in proximity to you. However, at times, it gets so intense, I think you must be physically near. Have you ever seen me when I didn't see you?
Last night was no exception. At the concert, I found myself looking behind me or across the crowd hoping to spot you. Although, I laugh because would I even recognize you? I don’t know.
Anyways, we had a great time, my cousin and I. After the show, we scooped up some Leon merch and just as we were walking out of the venue, I got a text. I look at my phone, see it was you. Immediately I look up and around me, for you. Where are you? You have to be here. I just don’t understand how this keeps happening. Your impeccable timing. Is it coincidence or synchronicity or are you watching me? (I like the last two options but especially the last one. A very sexy thought I must say).
“How was the concert?” you ask.
“It was awesome! How was your birthday?”
Then silence.
Only a few minutes passed but I couldn’t take it any longer. You texting me has me thinking maybe I will see you. Tonight. Maybe holding the hope worked. My heart fluttered at the thought. I need to know.
I text you again “You’re killin me smalls”
Right away my phone buzzed. I thought it was you. I thought wrong. It was Emilio. And here is where my night turned upside down.
Apparently had just found out (at 11 o’clock at night) that he needed to go to Austin today for a work meeting. (Mind you, the only reason he is telling me this is because our kids were staying with him through the weekend). He was going to take our son with him (Emilio’s sister lives in Austin). Our daughter was going to stay home alone by herself for the night. This update was delivered in one swift text to my gut.
To say he threw me is an understatement. I got all jammed up in one very quick and hot second. There was a lot to sort out with this bomb.
First of all, what the fuck? Is he serious with this right now? Secondly, I didn’t believe for a second that this was such an important meeting that would require him to drop everything and attend a meeting on a Friday night. (Emilio’s line of work is not dramatic or intense.) Third, our daughter has never stayed overnight by herself. I didn’t doubt her at all. I felt bad that Emilio was making this rash decision and she was being left in the dust. (Turns out she was stoked about it but I didn’t know that until later) Lastly, say no, dude. The fact that he had his kids this weekend is more than reason enough to say, “No, I can’t. Wish I could but I can not.” To me, it was that simple. But, he didn’t see it that way.
I spent the rest of the night fighting with him. I hated every second of it. I hated that I was wasting my time on the phone with him. I hated that I was so mad. I hated that I was screaming. And, I hated that he barged into this night. It felt like he was interfering. (The timing on his side is equally as precise as yours; however, Emilio’s timing does not leave me feeling the same as your timing does.)
You eventually text me back “sorry, taking birthday calls def going to link. It’s been hard with schedules. I've been spending time by myself and you don’t live here and I’ve been traveling.”
I respond in between screaming battles with Emilio. “I totally get our schedules have been tough and I appreciate and respect alone time. But I am here now and from the sounds of it, you are too. I'm not going to beg for anything so you do you.”
I hated the rest of the night. I cried myself to sleep. The day was ending in a way I never saw coming and it broke me. Fuck, I was so mad.
I woke up this morning (and by morning I mean, afternoon). I let myself sleep it all off. Everything. My argument with Emilio, what felt like a missed opportunity to see you, my response to everything last night. I wasn’t happy with myself. I let Emilio get under my skin. Why do I let him get to me like that? And, honestly, I was upset about you. But I slept hard and woke up feeling better. Much better really. I thought about you a lot this morning. I thought and thought and thought until I came to a conclusion. As much as I love the unknown, I really love a conclusion, a resolution. Going from “weeeee” to regaining a sense of control, authority, hands on the wheel kinda feeling. It feels good to get a grip. For a bit.
I sent you one final text before I carry on with my day.
“Just gonna break this down rn…we met and had an easy chill vibe and that was all I was looking to continue. Thought you were there too. Simple as that. But if all just needs to stay in that night, so be it. I love that night, always will. No stress, no harm, no foul.”
The day has now come to an end. I made the most of it and spent the day with the City. It was so good to me. And as I lay in my bed, after a beautiful meal by myself, my eyes are heavy but you want to know something? My heart is warm. And peaceful. And it has nothing to do with you. I gave myself this feeling. I offered this to myself.
So, thank you for not giving me what I could give myself. If you gave it to me, I wouldn’t have known I had it in me to give to myself. So, thank you, Leo.
Sincerely,
xo
lo
August 28, 2022 | Pittsburgh, PA
Dear Leo,
Hi, you. It’s been awhile. The longest stretch I’ve gone between letters since I started writing to you. But not to fret, I am still here even though I have not put pen to paper since your birthday. An effort I tried to forcefully keep you out of my thoughts. I feel, however, it is an impossible feat.
Why oh why do I keep letting myself get tangled up with the idea of you? I’ll tell you why. I will say it again because I feel it again…I'm hopeful. I’m a dreamer. I live for the impossible. And you my Leo, you might be my impossible. I know this.
Furthering my efforts to distract myself from the thought of you, I signed up for Hinge again last night. I paid the $40 and already reached the end. I went through the entire United States…no one. Not one person I thought was cute or wrote something in their bio that caught my attention. Not one single person. I canceled my subscription and deleted the app by 10am this morning.
I need to re-center myself. I need to focus internally. I know this. I am searching externally for something that I am not going to find out there. I need to stop and shut down. Shut down the thoughts that “out there” is the answer. Out there is someone. Out there is love. It’s within me. This I feel. But also, I want to feel arms wrapped around me. Arms that are not my own.
The love I long for is out there but I won’t be brought to it (or it brought to me) until I unlock something inside of me. I don’t know what I am trying to unlock. I don’t know what it is in me I need to find, discover, shed light on, expose. I don’t know. And honestly, it doesn’t feel good. How am I supposed to solve this? It doesn’t feel good to not know where I need to go, how I get there or what I am looking for. I feel like I am standing at the intersection of an infinite amount of roads and I am clueless as to where I need to take my next step. How do I know which one leads me in the right direction? To the place inside of me I need to unlock in order to receive a love I was made to experience?
Have you read The Alchemist? It lives on my nightstand and these are the times I reach for it. The very last line of the book, my favorite line of the book, “I’m coming, Fatima”. I love the unwavering, void-of-any-question love he has for Fatima. It’s idealistic. A love so absolute. A bond so deep. There is no denying its existence. Oh the beauty this thought brings to my heart.
A love like that, I feel so connected to the idea. It speaks to me. There is something so resonating that I think it is part of my life purpose to experience a love like that. A love like this calls to me. A relationship that defies all social norms, tradition, expectation. Shatters the conditioned ideas of what we have been told love should look like what it should give us, what someone should do for us. I long for a love that is just allowed to be. A love so pure. A love that connects and supports two people in a way that reaches beyond bodies but into souls. A love that allows trust in something bigger than who we are, what we can see. A love that allows us to follow our hearts without fear. A love that aids in the courage and motivation to continue on the individual journey.
Because it is as much the journey as it is the destination. Wherever we are going, arriving at our destination is meaningless without the trials and tribulations and triumphs we experience along the journey and the ups and downs of the journey would be resented without the accomplishment of arriving at a destination. If we don’t hold value in what we did to achieve something, why do it?
So, here I am in the midst of my beautiful and at times seemingly unbearable journey and even though I do not know where I am going, I know it is going to be stunning because even in the pain, it already is. Each step on my path, regardless of positive or negative implications, is one step closer to wherever I am going. Keep going.
Or maybe, what I need to do right now is stop. Just sit with myself. Get to know myself.
***
When I started writing this today, I did not know where I was going (recurring theme). Look at this little destination I have just stumbled upon. This mini journey of just the past few hours I sat scribbling and scratching and rewriting, all not knowing where I was going yet, I have arrived. Back at myself. Ahhhhh, thank you, Universe. I feel you flowing through me. I appreciate you. I trust you. I love you.
A love is building inside of me for you too, Leo. I am trying not to let it happen but I don’t believe I can control this. My heart has a mind of its own.
xo
lo